The Honourable Golf Society of Hogs Breath Masters 2003 Spring Invitational Golf Tournament

The Honourable Golf Society of Hogs Breath Masters - Home Page

"Report of The 2003 Invitational Golf Classic"

by John Heron

The beautiful Muang Kaew Golf Club was the host for this year's Hogs Breath 2003 Invitational Golf Classic!

May 19th, 2003

Hi Sam

Well for once we have had a day which will go down in the history books of Thailand as unique and it sure beats searching for Mad Crab and Mud Crab girls on the banks of the Mekong or trying to avoid the SARS in Singapore and Taiwan. It also topped the Saturday afternoon recently when you , Harold and Terry Lee Lewis decided to have an impromptu jam session on the floor of the Hogs Breath singing Blue Suede Shoes with Scott providing the melody ( in exchange for a free beer) and Ken tap dancing on the stage in his blue suede shoes to the music until he fell off and broke Harolds knee cap and damaged the mike . Actually Harold tells us that it was him who fell off but actually this happened months ago when Harold was doing his Elvis and Credence impersonation ,and Harold has now broken it twice - it is therefore amazing he made it to the course on Saturday.

Well for once we have had a day which will go down in the history books of Thailand as unique and it sure beats searching for Mud Crab girls on the banks of the Mekong .

Our illustrious hosts Harold and Bob certainly put the Hogs Breath Masters onto the cover of Sports Illustrated with some stunning performances all round the course and off it as well . So much so that it was unanimously decided to hold another expanded version on the 7-11-2002 so please mark this date in your calendar

I know the pressure of work dictated why you could not make it Sam but with six months warning notice this time there will no excuses. Even the threat of never having played before will not be accepted because after Saturdays Masters we have 4 new converts and everyone cracked 70 ( for the nine holes) except for Kiwi which I will come to later . The whole key to the day was the organization and the Caesars drinks on the bus going to the course . Those who had had a big night before of course fell by the wayside but those who had doubles performed miracles . Now you are probably wondering what is a Caesars - well you have to come to the next one to find out but I give you a bit of a hint that it is mixture between a bloody-mary without the tomato juice , soy sauce and rocket fuel and nothing like the fullerton oyster shooters that we get in Singapore . As a result of this fantastic concoction everyone was very relaxed and eager to get off the bus and onto the course to see what effect it had

Kiwi

Englebert

Tim and Harold

Charles B. Jones

Greg & Jim discussing their strategy

After a very pleasant bus ride we arrived on Schedule as Programmed at 11.00 thanks to Harold's meticulous planning . Those who had forgotten their clubs ( like me) were quickly shown to the clubhouse where we were enticed to renting these super Callaway golf clubs (for 500 Baht) - we also had to purchase a few balls because with the big night before all the Hogs Breath caddies (bar two) did not make it and as they still had their balls with them presumably, so we had to get new ones .

Then it was into bar to improve our handicap . This was necessary as our erstwhile host Harold had laid out the ground rules on the bus on the way to the course . These rules included reducing your score by one point for each beer you drank ( he did not mention it had to be on the course!) , everyone had to play 9 holes only and not with the caddies , there was to be no mulligans ( heaven help the non golfers ) and those who did not reach the ladies tee had to ring the bell and wear a ladies dress in the bar afterwards. So after three quick beers to reduce our handicap ( and wash away the Caesars) we were called to the tee off knowing that each of our group was 3 under before we even picked up a club

After some expert marshalling by Bob we somehow found the first hole through the guidance also of the caddies as we were well away .Some of the other lads held up the proceedings a bit when they decided to hire a cart when they saw first hand what a golf course is really like. This messed up the order somewhat but the club allowed us to run around with our carts all over the green so this solved the problem . We thought Simon had was going to play dodge-ems instead of golf but actual after all the beer he had drunk the night before and the Caesars definitely meant he would have failed the drink driving test ( now we realized why he slept the whole night in his car in the Nana car park with the engine running and we thought it was because he wanted to be the first into the bus) However we are digressing Then when the club ran out of carts as nobody wanted to walk so some of us had to take the caddies round the course sitting on their knees - heaven had started

Harold had expertly arranged the groupings on the bus so that the good golfers teed of first and the newcomers teed off last . We were surprised to hear that several people did not turn up or missed the bus - we thought it must have because of the Caesars but later we found out it was because of the SARS and they had to report to the hospital first to do a SARS and aids test as they were coming from overseas including Dennis who turned up 6 hours late

Blair - a happy golfer

Anne on the bus enjoying her caesar!

However the best tee off came from Anne who took four goes to hit the ball and Kiwi who did not make the ladies tee - as he actually did it twice around the course so the floor show at the next Masters will be Kiwi wearing a double cup around the course . We were astounded therefore to hear that Anne actually came in with a 49 for the 9 holes but this is perhaps explained by Harolds rule that your score could be reduced by the number of beers you drank around the course . We are sure that Simon took the prize for this as he consumed 18 around the course with our group excluding the 3 he downed in the clubhouse before we started , 3 in the bar before we started and the 22 he had the night before . Actually Sam it did not matter anyway because he ended with the lowest net score without this benefit - when Harold saw what was happening around the course on the 5 th hole he changed the rules because he never drinks and drives . However then when Anne announced on the bus going home that it was her wedding anniversary then we really knew that her caddie had taken the rule seriously and she must have gone close to Simon .She was telling her beau Greg that she really loved him and that this was going to be one of those days to remember but the silence from Greg was deafening

There was a lot of water on the course and much reconstruction going on as well ( maybe this is why we got to played only 9 holes) Some of us ran out of balls after about 4 holes and we had to send the caddies away to get some new ones ( from the clubhouse!) This held up proceedings a bit but it did not worry the troops who just proceeded to reduce their score further . When play eventually got underway again the caddies howed into the drinks and it was pretty obvious that Simons score was going down faster than everyone else's . Kiwi was continuing to hit and miss and ignoring Harolds rule that there were no mulligans as he just about had one on every hole

Rod continued to show us why they had a Kiwi as Tiger Wood's caddy but after a few holes he suddenly found his line and length and decided that giving his caddy a crack at a few balls might be of benefit especially as she was a handicap 12 golfer .

By the time we got to the 9th hole all the caddies were into it , phone numbers were being exchanged and nobody knew whether they were Arthur or Martha .We then knew that Simon was well away because his caddie was straight as a dye and definitely had never had hormone treatment . After a quick show, we were entertained by the thought of who were going to win the major prizes - Harold kept us guessing by putting on a sumptuous buffet and then came the awards - longest drive (we were sure our group had won it but it went to Johnny Mathis who we thought had never held a club in his life ). Then closest to the pin on the 5th hole was not awarded because no one was closest to the pin - actually Sam between you and me we believe it was because the bar fine had not turned up and there was no prize so maybe next time there will be two ! The lowest net score was won by Simon and not because of the 21beers he consumed around the course but because of merit . Unbelievably our group then won another prize for the second lowest net score and this time it went to Rod ( his caddie had done well !) We should have another prize as well for the highest score for Kiwi on 80 but Harold after all his Caesars could not read straight and gave it instead to Johnny Mathis again who had tallied 69 . Anne won a prize as well - a bar fine from her own place and I suppose she gave it to Greg as he did not seem too interested in the alternative nights entertainment when it was spelled out for him on the bus . The prize for the lowest gross score ( do not understand what the difference between this and a net score is ) went to a young kid named Tom who unbelievably shot par and looked about 12 years old . His trophy fell apart in the bus going home and had to re-welded back in the bar afterwards

Once back in the bus for the return journey we were hit with another Caesars and Bob announcing that the first round was on him . One of the lads complained that he was missing his glass but those of us in the front knew better - the bus driver had knicked it was enjoying his "rocket fuel " Half way home Ann wanted to use the loo but the door was locked - maybe this was where the missing golfers were ! However despite the efforts of the driver to open the door ( his wife was now driving the bus) it was to no avail and so we adjourned to the nearest petrol station . However by this stage Ann had passed out and because Harold had made such a good profit he decided to start the evenings festivities by buying the first round . So we washed down the Caesars and headed for a bit of aircon and to watch Kiwi perform miracles

A pair of lovely caddies with Tim

Robert - winner of the long drive

Young Tom - Low Gross Winner

An intrepid group of golfers?

John being watched by his caddy as he yet again extricates himself from a bunker!

Immediately we arrived we were met by GOD - Good Old Dennis who proceeded to tell us all about his fight with SARS and why he could not make it to the inaugural event - however we have a trick up our sleeve for the next one to ensure that Dennis turns up on time - a topless nurse to take his temperature as his caddy should do the trick together with Ott to serve the beer and that should fill up his passport nicely . Shortly afterwards Simon bar-fined the knockers to look after his trophy for him ( presumably because he wanted to take it to work on the Monday to show the Japanese why he had skived off on the Saturday ) So we proceeded to hoe into it again and swap stories about the wonderful rounds we had all had .The bells started ringing and the beer was flying everywhere and the place became a little crowded . so several of adjourned to another quieter place to watch the dancing girls . There we were amazed to see young Tom disappearing at a great rate of knots with the knockers and Simons trophy in tow - a new experience (. Simon spent the rest of his night trying to find his trophy all over Nana and ended sleeping in the car again as a result with the engine running . The next morning when he awoke there it was - sitting on top of the car with bar fine intact and nobody had removed it ! )

Five minutes later down came the boss trying to find his car - poor old Bob made it for 5 steps along Soi 4 and down he went like a sack of spuds - we last saw him being carried to the car by the only ones who could carry him - from Casanova !

Kiwi disappeared before he had a chance to wear his ladies clothes (twice) so next year as punishment he has to become a dancing girl for the night - Rod had to go for a dinner with one of the Ambassadors and promised to spread the word about what a great golf tournament it was and Johnny Mathis decided to go to the driving range to start practicing

A day to be remembered and to be repeated at very regular intervals . It is surprising to learn after all these years how many reasonable golfers there are around your place of worship . If I had not have taken 6 shots to get out of one sand trap I would had equalled Simons score and then that meant a play off - I have never been in as play off in my life !

So Sam the days of wigs in courts will have be to be forsaken in November when the second Hogs Breath Masters gets underway .This time you could even donate the pre-game drinks - fullerton oyster shooters together with Mekong mud crabs , Afterwards we will treat the lads to a Slow Comfortable Screw Against the Wall and this is guaranteed to set the scene for the evenings entertainment to continue , after all it is Hogs Breath tradition that has been going on now for 12 years . Bob might even have to expand the bar and put in a new air conditioner if this keeps up and buy the bar next door to house all the trophies . He now has a new cordless mike so Sam you will be in your element again and will not have to move off your seat this time . Michael Hiller has informed me that he will be here for the next one as it is his birthday and Rob and Matt see this as a great opportunity to learn how to play golf with a caddie sitting on your knee . Even Babboo is going to donate some car number plates as prizes next time so you can see where it is heading - we just need you, Kiwi and Dennis to do the Hakka at the first hole and the floor show will be complete !

See you next week

John

John Nesbit on the 1st tee

Big Jim on the Tee

Some members of the Honourable Golf Society of Hogs Breath Masters, doing what they do best - drink beer and bullshit!

The Honourable Golf Society of Hogs Breath Masters - Home Page

Back at the Hogs Breath Saloon celebrating another successful golf tournament

(Click on image for larger photo)

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The Honourable Golf Society of Hogs Breath Masters - Home Page
"Report of The 2003 Invitational Golf Classic" by John Heron			The beautiful Muang Kaew Golf Club was the host for this year's Hogs Breath 2003 Invitational Golf Classic!

May 19th, 2003 Hi Sam Well for once we have had a day which will go down in the history books of Thailand as unique and it sure beats searching for Mad Crab and Mud Crab girls on the banks of the Mekong or trying to avoid the SARS in Singapore and Taiwan. It also topped the Saturday afternoon recently when you , Harold and Terry Lee Lewis decided to have an impromptu jam session on the floor of the Hogs Breath singing Blue Suede Shoes with Scott providing the melody ( in exchange for a free beer) and Ken tap dancing on the stage in his blue suede shoes to the music until he fell off and broke Harolds knee cap and damaged the mike . Actually Harold tells us that it was him who fell off but actually this happened months ago when Harold was doing his Elvis and Credence impersonation ,and Harold has now broken it twice - it is therefore amazing he made it to the course on Saturday. Well for once we have had a day which will go down in the history books of Thailand as unique and it sure beats searching for Mud Crab girls on the banks of the Mekong . Our illustrious hosts Harold and Bob certainly put the Hogs Breath Masters onto the cover of Sports Illustrated with some stunning performances all round the course and off it as well . So much so that it was unanimously decided to hold another expanded version on the 7-11-2002 so please mark this date in your calendar I know the pressure of work dictated why you could not make it Sam but with six months warning notice this time there will no excuses. Even the threat of never having played before will not be accepted because after Saturdays Masters we have 4 new converts and everyone cracked 70 ( for the nine holes) except for Kiwi which I will come to later . The whole key to the day was the organization and the Caesars drinks on the bus going to the course . Those who had had a big night before of course fell by the wayside but those who had doubles performed miracles . Now you are probably wondering what is a Caesars - well you have to come to the next one to find out but I give you a bit of a hint that it is mixture between a bloody-mary without the tomato juice , soy sauce and rocket fuel and nothing like the fullerton oyster shooters that we get in Singapore . As a result of this fantastic concoction everyone was very relaxed and eager to get off the bus and onto the course to see what effect it had		*Kiwi*	*Englebert*
		*Tim and Harold*	*Charles B. Jones*
*Greg & Jim discussing their strategy*		After a very pleasant bus ride we arrived on Schedule as Programmed at 11.00 thanks to Harold's meticulous planning . Those who had forgotten their clubs ( like me) were quickly shown to the clubhouse where we were enticed to renting these super Callaway golf clubs (for 500 Baht) - we also had to purchase a few balls because with the big night before all the Hogs Breath caddies (bar two) did not make it and as they still had their balls with them presumably, so we had to get new ones . Then it was into bar to improve our handicap . This was necessary as our erstwhile host Harold had laid out the ground rules on the bus on the way to the course . These rules included reducing your score by one point for each beer you drank ( he did not mention it had to be on the course!) , everyone had to play 9 holes only and not with the caddies , there was to be no mulligans ( heaven help the non golfers ) and those who did not reach the ladies tee had to ring the bell and wear a ladies dress in the bar afterwards. So after three quick beers to reduce our handicap ( and wash away the Caesars) we were called to the tee off knowing that each of our group was 3 under before we even picked up a club After some expert marshalling by Bob we somehow found the first hole through the guidance also of the caddies as we were well away .Some of the other lads held up the proceedings a bit when they decided to hire a cart when they saw first hand what a golf course is really like. This messed up the order somewhat but the club allowed us to run around with our carts all over the green so this solved the problem . We thought Simon had was going to play dodge-ems instead of golf but actual after all the beer he had drunk the night before and the Caesars definitely meant he would have failed the drink driving test ( now we realized why he slept the whole night in his car in the Nana car park with the engine running and we thought it was because he wanted to be the first into the bus) However we are digressing Then when the club ran out of carts as nobody wanted to walk so some of us had to take the caddies round the course sitting on their knees - heaven had started Harold had expertly arranged the groupings on the bus so that the good golfers teed of first and the newcomers teed off last . We were surprised to hear that several people did not turn up or missed the bus - we thought it must have because of the Caesars but later we found out it was because of the SARS and they had to report to the hospital first to do a SARS and aids test as they were coming from overseas including Dennis who turned up 6 hours late
*Blair - a happy golfer*	*Anne on the bus enjoying her caesar!*
However the best tee off came from Anne who took four goes to hit the ball and Kiwi who did not make the ladies tee - as he actually did it twice around the course so the floor show at the next Masters will be Kiwi wearing a double cup around the course . We were astounded therefore to hear that Anne actually came in with a 49 for the 9 holes but this is perhaps explained by Harolds rule that your score could be reduced by the number of beers you drank around the course . We are sure that Simon took the prize for this as he consumed 18 around the course with our group excluding the 3 he downed in the clubhouse before we started , 3 in the bar before we started and the 22 he had the night before . Actually Sam it did not matter anyway because he ended with the lowest net score without this benefit - when Harold saw what was happening around the course on the 5 th hole he changed the rules because he never drinks and drives . However then when Anne announced on the bus going home that it was her wedding anniversary then we really knew that her caddie had taken the rule seriously and she must have gone close to Simon .She was telling her beau Greg that she really loved him and that this was going to be one of those days to remember but the silence from Greg was deafening There was a lot of water on the course and much reconstruction going on as well ( maybe this is why we got to played only 9 holes) Some of us ran out of balls after about 4 holes and we had to send the caddies away to get some new ones ( from the clubhouse!) This held up proceedings a bit but it did not worry the troops who just proceeded to reduce their score further . When play eventually got underway again the caddies howed into the drinks and it was pretty obvious that Simons score was going down faster than everyone else's . Kiwi was continuing to hit and miss and ignoring Harolds rule that there were no mulligans as he just about had one on every hole Rod continued to show us why they had a Kiwi as Tiger Wood's caddy but after a few holes he suddenly found his line and length and decided that giving his caddy a crack at a few balls might be of benefit especially as she was a handicap 12 golfer . By the time we got to the 9th hole all the caddies were into it , phone numbers were being exchanged and nobody knew whether they were Arthur or Martha .We then knew that Simon was well away because his caddie was straight as a dye and definitely had never had hormone treatment . After a quick show, we were entertained by the thought of who were going to win the major prizes - Harold kept us guessing by putting on a sumptuous buffet and then came the awards - longest drive (we were sure our group had won it but it went to Johnny Mathis who we thought had never held a club in his life ). Then closest to the pin on the 5th hole was not awarded because no one was closest to the pin - actually Sam between you and me we believe it was because the bar fine had not turned up and there was no prize so maybe next time there will be two ! The lowest net score was won by Simon and not because of the 21beers he consumed around the course but because of merit . Unbelievably our group then won another prize for the second lowest net score and this time it went to Rod ( his caddie had done well !) We should have another prize as well for the highest score for Kiwi on 80 but Harold after all his Caesars could not read straight and gave it instead to Johnny Mathis again who had tallied 69 . Anne won a prize as well - a bar fine from her own place and I suppose she gave it to Greg as he did not seem too interested in the alternative nights entertainment when it was spelled out for him on the bus . The prize for the lowest gross score ( do not understand what the difference between this and a net score is ) went to a young kid named Tom who unbelievably shot par and looked about 12 years old . His trophy fell apart in the bus going home and had to re-welded back in the bar afterwards Once back in the bus for the return journey we were hit with another Caesars and Bob announcing that the first round was on him . One of the lads complained that he was missing his glass but those of us in the front knew better - the bus driver had knicked it was enjoying his "rocket fuel " Half way home Ann wanted to use the loo but the door was locked - maybe this was where the missing golfers were ! However despite the efforts of the driver to open the door ( his wife was now driving the bus) it was to no avail and so we adjourned to the nearest petrol station . However by this stage Ann had passed out and because Harold had made such a good profit he decided to start the evenings festivities by buying the first round . So we washed down the Caesars and headed for a bit of aircon and to watch Kiwi perform miracles		*A pair of lovely caddies with Tim*
		*Robert - winner of the long drive*	*Young Tom - Low Gross Winner*
		*An intrepid group of golfers?*
*John being watched by his caddy as he yet again extricates himself from a bunker!*		Immediately we arrived we were met by GOD - Good Old Dennis who proceeded to tell us all about his fight with SARS and why he could not make it to the inaugural event - however we have a trick up our sleeve for the next one to ensure that Dennis turns up on time - a topless nurse to take his temperature as his caddy should do the trick together with Ott to serve the beer and that should fill up his passport nicely . Shortly afterwards Simon bar-fined the knockers to look after his trophy for him ( presumably because he wanted to take it to work on the Monday to show the Japanese why he had skived off on the Saturday ) So we proceeded to hoe into it again and swap stories about the wonderful rounds we had all had .The bells started ringing and the beer was flying everywhere and the place became a little crowded . so several of adjourned to another quieter place to watch the dancing girls . There we were amazed to see young Tom disappearing at a great rate of knots with the knockers and Simons trophy in tow - a new experience (. Simon spent the rest of his night trying to find his trophy all over Nana and ended sleeping in the car again as a result with the engine running . The next morning when he awoke there it was - sitting on top of the car with bar fine intact and nobody had removed it ! ) Five minutes later down came the boss trying to find his car - poor old Bob made it for 5 steps along Soi 4 and down he went like a sack of spuds - we last saw him being carried to the car by the only ones who could carry him - from Casanova ! Kiwi disappeared before he had a chance to wear his ladies clothes (twice) so next year as punishment he has to become a dancing girl for the night - Rod had to go for a dinner with one of the Ambassadors and promised to spread the word about what a great golf tournament it was and Johnny Mathis decided to go to the driving range to start practicing A day to be remembered and to be repeated at very regular intervals . It is surprising to learn after all these years how many reasonable golfers there are around your place of worship . If I had not have taken 6 shots to get out of one sand trap I would had equalled Simons score and then that meant a play off - I have never been in as play off in my life ! So Sam the days of wigs in courts will have be to be forsaken in November when the second Hogs Breath Masters gets underway .This time you could even donate the pre-game drinks - fullerton oyster shooters together with Mekong mud crabs , Afterwards we will treat the lads to a Slow Comfortable Screw Against the Wall and this is guaranteed to set the scene for the evenings entertainment to continue , after all it is Hogs Breath tradition that has been going on now for 12 years . Bob might even have to expand the bar and put in a new air conditioner if this keeps up and buy the bar next door to house all the trophies . He now has a new cordless mike so Sam you will be in your element again and will not have to move off your seat this time . Michael Hiller has informed me that he will be here for the next one as it is his birthday and Rob and Matt see this as a great opportunity to learn how to play golf with a caddie sitting on your knee . Even Babboo is going to donate some car number plates as prizes next time so you can see where it is heading - we just need you, Kiwi and Dennis to do the Hakka at the first hole and the floor show will be complete ! See you next week John
*John Nesbit on the 1st tee*	*Big Jim on the Tee*
*Some members of the Honourable Golf Society of Hogs Breath Masters, doing what they do best - drink beer and bullshit!*
		The Honourable Golf Society of Hogs Breath Masters - Home Page
*Back at the Hogs Breath Saloon celebrating another successful golf tournament* *(Click on image for larger photo)*


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