On May 22nd, 2004 The Bangkok Golf Club had the dubious honour of hosting The Honourable Golf Society Of Hogs Breath Masters for The Blind Squirrel's First Golf Scramble
"THE BLIND SQUIRREL’S VIRGIN FERRET PLUS DECADES OF DECADENCE"
By: John Heron
And so it came to pass that the Hogs Breath lads needed to have a further practice in light of upcoming challenges that seem to have mysteriously appeared out of the woodwork and the lads needed to be rated in order to determine handicaps for these new challenges .
As a result of the transport fiasco from the last Hogs Breath Masters event which involved everyone getting lost on the way to the golf course and arriving late as there was no bus transport , it was decided that this time The Blind Squirrel would lead the way to the same venue courtesy of some local transport. Now of course we were wondering who The Blind Squirrel was but this question was not going to be answered in a hurry until we assembled at the meeting place which as you have guessed it, was at our local watering hole, The Hogs Breath Saloon, where drinking men meet.
This time a motley crew of lads turned up at sort of the appointed hour to find out that our Blind Squirrel’s mentor Harold was not going to play as our lads needed a bit of guidance and sustenance around the course , and he could not concentrate of maintaining this if he had to play. So Harold decided that as he needed regular sustenance to calm the nerves of having to handle this motley crew he would keep an eye on us all by traversing the course with a driver , who else but Uncle Bob . The day started off a bit on the wrong foot when our winner from the last event Simon did not turn up as the events of the last night proved a bit too much for him to handle - even 14 phone calls could not disturb his slumber but we were amazed when out of the blue up popped Arthur in his place. Now Arthur was doing the rounds of the golf course tournaments in Bangkok and must have ferreted out the information from who else – the 5 DD’s – the 5 Decades of Decadence which eventually we all somehow reach. How Arthur had ever reached the 6 DD’s we will never know as he informed us he had got lost trying to find the place as he had never been to Nana Plaza in his life - this we could not believe, a Nana Virgin but when he told he actually went into the Nana Inn asking for the Hogs Breath then we knew that he either very drunk or very naïve. We were still one short when we discovered that there were two leftovers from Spanky’s next door who pleaded with us to join our team . After a quick strip to check out the merchandise the lasses informed us that this week had been very quiet, thus they could not pay the entry fee but offered to could come as caddies However we decided that it was better that we do not take coals to Newcastle so off we set without our new found ringers and headed for the bus and Arthur wondering how he was going to use his ferret after seeing these two lovely ladies from Spanky’s
Johnnie Mathis on the bus. Rumour has that he's looking for a new wife? Interested - you can often find Johnnie in The Hogs Breath Saloon
Paul Fry coming out of the bunker on the par 3 5th
This time our bus proved to be a only a single storey bus as many of our lads could not walked up the two flights of stairs even at eight in the morning – it was probably not helped by Moustache John who could not even walk up one flight and had to be carried and thrown into his seat – the day looked promising already especially when out of the blue from the back of the bus appeared Bloody Marys in plastic cups complete with ice and lemon wedges – the writing was on the wall. These proved to be a great hit after the three or 4 beers we had had back at the bar. So the lads got stuck in as Harold said they were free. In between all this Harold suddenly announced that this time, this was to be The Blind Squirrels scramble event and scoring would be using the Modified Peoria rules – “What in the hell is The Blind Squirrel’s Scramble” shouted Arthur (who turned out to be actually from Newcastle) This was easy said Harold –The Blind Squirrel had selected one partner and one of his buddies, either Mr. Ed or Frances, had selected the second partner – trouble we thought as this would mean possibly the end of Team Heron who had managed somehow to snaffle the trophies on the last two Masters .
Both partners would take a shot with the next shot being made from the ball in best position. This sounded all right so we waited for The Blind Squirrels to tell who we were to play with. Rockin’ Rod Cummins was immediately paired with Fabulous Francis (not the talking mule)– the Virgin Arthur Littlemore was paired with Johnny “Lock and Loll” Heron, Pernickety Paul was paired with Marvelous Michael, the 5 D-D’s Nikki Cox was paired with Bus Stop’s Peter Colliver, Little Big Tim, the one player selected by The Blind Squirrel but he was short of a partner as it was felt he would not last the rigors of the 18 hole course – this was to prove hopelessly wrong as suddenly Harold heard from Martin that he had found a another 5 D-D player Dom who must have heard about the free Bloody Marys and was on his way to meet us the course. Moustache John Nisbit was paired with Angels Annie and the 5 DD’s leader Martin Gilbert was paired with Johnnie Mathis who was by this stage looking for a new wife. American Gary Rossow who had got home at 7 and been woken by Harold at 8 in time for The Bus was paired with the 5 D-D’s treasurer Mike Conaty.
Just then the bus took a wrong turn and we found ourselves meandering through the narrow streets of Nam Wong Wang and then Cheng Wattana on the tourist route. Lucky we had plenty of Bloody Marys to entertain us and Gary enjoyed the extra hour’s sleep in. So we arrived a bit late but well oiled to find the less adventurous waiting for us at the course and all the caddies eager with anticipation
After a quick trip to the club rooms to find a locker to deposit our belongings, we were all amazed to see when we came out that our clubs were already laid out, caddies in position and golf carts waiting to take us to the 1st tee. This was organization at its finest and all we do was tee off. The invited guests from the 5 DD’s must have wondered what happened when a motley organization like this was able to have everything running smoothly although most of us had managed to fall off the bus - of course our group was the last to tee-off so we adjourned to the same little bar as last time at the first hole and were served by the same group of girls also as last time minus the dog. We asked were the dog was and we were told that one the previous golfers had nicked it in his golf bag as a souvenir. When I asked where our souvenir was we were given a very pretty hair braid – things were looking up! Although later during the round this was recollected by the donor – Indian giver!
From left to right Peter's caddy Tilac, Peter Colliver, Nikki Cox & Martin Gilbert
The author John Heron & Arthur Littlemore on the 3rd green
So off to the first tee to start the proceedings and it was a woeful start for our group – firstly we were informed that we could not get anywhere near the group in front of us and secondly we were told that if we did we would be asked to leave the course . What sort of tournament was this! Anyway off we went and of course all our shots went all over the place. However Arthur and his ferret managed to successfully negotiate the first hole so we were up and running. Paul, one of our opponents was playing with billiard room efficiency especially on the greens and we could see we were in for a tough day - his partner, Marvelous Michael was taking it all in his stride though and pretty soon we started to match them stroke for stroke until the 4th hole when Paul casually asked us how many shots we had on the last hole – Arthur told him we were on par and Paul then reeled off all our shots and he said we had a double bogey. It was left to the caddy to adjudicate and she said we had a bogey so both of us were wrong. However it upped the level of intensity and indicated that this competition was being taken seriously by our opponents
As the level of the golf rose, the caddies started to get involved more and carefully weighing up their advice although the effects of the beer and Bloody Marys were starting to take effect on all players and caddies. The caddies proved to be a fine bunch of tutors and they must have done something right as we were astounded to find out that they had 18 kids and offspring between them and were looking to make up the numbers for two football teams. However thoughts of this would have to wait as Paul’s caddy suddenly dished out some incomplete advice and Paul and Michael suddenly lost a hole and the competition evened up. At the half way mark the Virgin Ferret and I were only three shots behind and our score of 44 for the front nine was quite amazing considering the vast amounts of alcohol being consumed and the distractions that were occurring on the course. Harold and Bob helped to maintain the relaxed atmosphere by darting around the course and keeping up the liquid levels and Johnnie Mathis continued to search for a new wife as there seemed to be no shortage of takers
Up on to the 14th hole, a par three and it was time to beat the club pro, Paul Higginbotham – we had to choose the club and then see who got closer to the pin, prizes being a set of golf balls. Imagine my surprise when I chose a junior 7 iron for the pro (or perhaps Harold did) and I landed closer to the pin with my best shot of the day Also one of our group did the same thing so our group actually walked away with two sets of golf balls . Shortly after we were to be up against the pro again and this time on the longest drive
Even a few rain showers could not dampen the enthusiasm of our bunch of golfers as it helped to keep the temperature down and stop Paul shouting at his caddy again when she got the lie wrong . Soon the holes seemed to fly by as the affects of the alcohol had really kicked in. We noticed that Moustache John could hardly stand to play his shots and his caddy was acting as a backstop to prevent him falling over – in fact it seemed to us that Anne was playing all his shots and that he actually could not hit The Ball at all – Harold’s Bloody Marys were not that strong
Then onto the 15th hole and it was time to match the pro again on the longest drive. Now this was going to be more difficult than the last time but we would try and even up the competition by nominating his choice of club as a putter. However this time he proved to be the club pro by out-driving us all with various clubs including a putter – it was obvious we still needed some practice but he had the advantage of being at the place for 5 years so he knew the course well, or at least that was our excuse
Paul Higginbotham playing the par 3 14th during the "Beat The Pro Competition"
Anne putting on the 17th, while John and the caddies looking on
So as we came the fairway for the last time thoughts started to wander to our score and how we actually manage to get around the course as it seemed to go so quickly– at least 18 holes was better than 9 holes which was what we started the first Hogs Breath Masters with . The final putt was made, the scorecards finalized and the caddies were given their tips. Some wanted to add to the 18 kids but none of us were into this at this stage as all we wanted was a shower of another kind and to find out who had won
After a relaxing hot shower, it was into the clubhouse for some food, more beer and to anticipate who had won the third Hogs Breath Blind Squirrels event. Harold had laid on a sumptuous buffet spread including plenty of curries and together with a few more cold beers this was just what the troops needed. In fact it proved to be the best buffet we had ever had after our golf days as the beer flowed quickly and the food disappeared in a flash except for the melon soup which is usually quite bitter and competes with beer for space – never a good choice and usually provided by the chefs to make up dish numbers
Then it was onto the awards ceremony. Harold offered an apology on behalf of The Blind Squirrel, that he could not be present to emcee the proceedings. Harold went on to explain that BS was off whoring, drinking and probably gambling with his buddies Mr. Ed and Frances, i.e. generally acting like animals.
This time with no American Embassy lads available due to Cobra Gold, there were no out of date dinners donated by Outback and as the previous bar fines had still not been used, Anne instead donated some free games of pool, Harold donated some polished sets of balls in addition to the usual array of trophies. Then it was onto the actual prizes and we were amazed when it was our opponents on the course Pinball Paul and Marvelous Michael who snatched the prize for Low Gross Score, once again Team Heron had a hand in the first prize, Rockin’ Rod and Francious Frances (not the talking mule) walked away with the trophy for Low Net Score. Rod later celebrated in style and Team Herron then decided we had better start donating prizes to the bar as this was now the third time in a row. The highest score of 108 went to Anne the Angel and Mustachioed John who by this stage was too far away to know what time of day it was let alone the score – we were right; it must have been Anne who had played all his shots whilst John chased the caddies
Then it was into The Bus for the dash home to the bar for some more beer – Anne had to carry John up the stairs and both fell in a heap on the first seat – then it was time for more beer and it kept coming whilst Anne went from seat to seat looking for Greg who had disappeared into the bowels of the earth not wanting to get married on The Bus a second time. The Virgin Arthur continued to take it all in and was looking for his chance to experience the life around Nana and it did not disappoint. Somehow we all made it back to base and settled in for a long night on the piss.
"Little Big" Tim, Rod, Francis and their caddies watch Dom while he putts for his birdie
Mike Conaty admiring Gary's good form during his downswing
Rockin’ Rod and Francis decided to show off their trophies to all and sundry and it certainly proved a big success with all the ladies. Arthur was highly disappointed to find the lovely ladies earlier on in Spanky’s had disappeared and he was left wondering what might have been for his ferret by this time we were joined by the previous winner Simon who managed to get out of bed after all and make it down to join the festivities . The 5 DD’s Dom, Nikki, Martin and Mike were probably wondering what a weird bunch of golfers but they seemed to take it all in their strides. The Hogs Breath girls were quite bemused by it all as they were all new and never seen such a strange bunch of farangs all dressed the same way in uniform. As a result Harold produced many more out of his bag and proceeded to sell many more as in this state of mind you do anything to reduce The Bar fine
So it was off around the Plaza for a sight seeing tour to give Arthur’s ferret a chance to see some Thai rabbits and we left him to it when someone tried to knick Rockin’ Rod’s trophy. When someone tried to knick Francis’ trophy as well then we knew it was time to go home and plan for the next one. A good day was had by all and arrangements were made to meet next day to view the pictures as Harold had forgotten his computer.
Do not forget that Harold organizes regular weekly golfing trips around Bangkok and Thailand and this week he heads off to Kanchanaburi. Harold can be found most days in the Hogs Breath bar or email him at Harold@hogsbreathgolf.com
For the record the winners were:
- Low Gross Score, Paul Fry & Michael Killingsworth with a 76
- Low Net Score, Rod Cummins & Francis (not the talking mule) with a net 68
- Long Drives; Paul Fry & "Little Big" Tim Langford
- Closest to pin on the par 3s; Dom Piccinin, Nikki Cox, Peter Colliver & Rod Cummins
Thanks go to the following for making The Blind Squirrel's Golf Scramble a success; Greg Vargra (Sidetrack Bar Soi 0) for donating the trophies, Steve Sykes for the Bloody Marys, Norm, Tony & the rest of the staff at Bangkok Golf Club, the 5DD Golf Society, Bangkok, past & current Hogs Breath Masters and of course the lovely caddies from the Bangkok Golf Club