The Event
Dawn brought a beautiful day for this the fourth Hogs Breath Masters. Phone calls were exchanged to make sure no one was still comatose. It was quickly discovered that several of the lads were in no shape to make the bus let alone the tee off. John Nesbit had to be carried home from Soi Zero so he was no shape to even get out of bed – Bruce Harris had still not recovered from his 54 hole marathon so a quick call was made to GOD to discover that his phone was still off so obviously he was well occupied elsewhere . Slowly the golfers turned up at the Hogs Breath for the briefing session and to eat some subway sandwiches. The first four lads to surface were the Lao lads who were all on deck before 7 am. Harold looked in good shape.
After three or four beers, Michael then marshaled his troops to the bus. Simon was tempted to have a further beer in the Sundowner as the music coming inside the place was quite tempting and he was obviously looking for his caddie as several of the golfers including Francis were bringing along their own cheer squad including Bullets so obviously Simon was jealous already . However we soon got his mind off this distraction by explaining that the best seats on the bus were up the back so that is where we headed . As we waited in the carpark for the smokers to finish their cigarettes , we were already into our first Bloody Mary and it was like mothers milk until; Bob advised us that there had been no quality control in mixing the ingredients so there may be a kick to the rocket fuel . This proved to be the case as fairly soon Simon was soon complaining about the strength of the rocket fuel but by the time the second one was served nobody knew the difference
Michael gave us a briefing on the rules, partners, tee off times and the do and don’ts although at this stage nobody was really too interested as they were dying to get into the action. After a reasonably short trip we discovered we were actually ahead of schedule as arrived at 9.15 when the first Tee off was not until one hour later. So we adjourned to the location of the bar at the first hole to watch everyone tee off. However shortly afterwards we were informed by the course marshal that actually we were sitting in the 9th hole bar instead of the first hole bar so we promptly realized we had not picked trained caddies so sent them back and asked for new ones - it is quite embarrassing to have sat for quite a while watching were actually strangers teeing off from the 9th hole instead of the Hogs Breath Masters teeing off from the first hole . However we quickly settled down to watch the action and there was certainly plenty of it even without Ann to watch teeing off. All the golfers seemed to get away to a reasonable start and then it was our turn. With about 6 cans under our belt plus two or three Bloody Mary’s we were well primed so of we went and this time a reasonable start was made by our team as we all cleared the water traps . So we were up and running with our new caddies and away we went. Amazingly by the time we were on the second hole Simon had already been proposed to but he was shocked to find out that his caddie was actually older than he was
The standard of the golf this time around was actually quite good and not many bad shots were being made at all – this augured well for a good day. However on the fourth hole the momentum was being lost a bit as the groups were starting to stack up a bit. At this hole was where Simon tried to take his team captain out by slicing a full blooded drive straight into the leg of his partner who did not collapse as would have been expected but merely caught the ball on the rebound as if nothing had happened. Obviously the Bloody Marys were working to perfection so there was no feeling until the shower at end of the day and the size of the bruise (at least 8 inches in diameter) was shown. Lucky it did not strike any higher or else we would have had another Black Doctor!
The golfing was continuing to improve when we realized that all our team were in with a chance on the longest drive were both Simon and Rod had a chance and one of the group had got closest to the pin at that stage . Michael and Bob were keeping us lubricated with cold beer and taking many photos of the team in various stages of frivolity including one memorable photo of Simon and his bride to be, lying on the course testing the green .After a few more holes we found ourselves again stacked up behind some slowcoaches again so the caddies said go it so this is what the lads did . Two fantastic drives later we found ourselves in trouble as our drives had unbelievably almost collected the group in front of us – you can imagine the abuse that was received from Peter and company at the beer stop on the 9th hole for allowing professionals to play in this tournament . However the abuse was quickly forgotten when two of the protagonists discovered they actually lived only a few miles from each other half way round the world and some cane cutters cordial was offered as a sweetener which immediately did the trick .
At this
stage Harold turned up a little the worse for wear and immediately
grabbed a refreshing glass of the mother’s milk from down under and
decided that from now maybe Happy Heinekens had competition. He needed a
change as he had shot a 56 on the front nine much to our amazement. we
compared our scores and that stage we were all sub 50‘s so this was
proving to be a good day all round – until Simon ran over the caddie –
now you cannot believe that a golfer can actually run over his caddie
with the golf buggy but this is exactly what happened – we thought she
had died but up she jumped and promptly collapsed. What do you do with
an incapacitated caddie? You change her of course but she would not have
any of it and said that Simon would have to drive himself and pick his
own clubs. Simon still insisted on changing his incapacitated caddie but
love does many strange things and immediately she got to her feet and on
we went – the groups behind us probably had no idea what the hold up was
. However amazingly we later discovered that Robert had also run over
his caddie - what was the tournament director going to think of our lot
when he discovered not one but two of his caddies had been run over by
over excited farangs. Actually these buggies can be dangerous machines
at times as they have too many beer holders. You can imagine that at
this stage the cane cutters cordial was starting to have a warming
effect and most of the caddies were well into it as well. A few swift
halves and Simons caddie was back in love again, the pain in the left
leg had disappeared and it was on with the action
At the 15 hole we were looking for Harold’s guide to a trouble free round when Simon shouted out to Bluey to watch the next shot as he was going to hit the lamp post again as he had done on the second Hogs Breath Masters . Simon took aim and bang off went the shot and bulls eye – he had done it again – this time instead of coming back over Simons head it bounced back straight at Bluey who was climbing out of a sand trap .The shock of Simon winging the pole was too much for poor old Bluey and he went for a tumble out of the sand trap and actually rolled about ten metres much to the delight of the caddies and those who saw it as it was a sight to behold . Bluey could not believe it as well as there was still some agility left in the old fella. After dusting himself off, Simon got a bollocking for trying to destroy half of the people on the course but off course the Bloody Mary’s had had their effect and it was like water off a ducks back at that stage
Suddenly we found ourselves on the 18th hole and coming up the clubhouse and the round was all over - it seemed like only one hour but it was 4.30 pm so the round had taken 6 hours – an improvement on the 7 hours from the last time! Into the clubhouse for a well earned shower to see where we had come. We were amazed to see that some groups who we thought were behind us were actually showered and changed and comparing the scores on the tally board – yes we had a tally board and this certainly was good step forward in our efforts to achieve PGA status. Amazingly Terry from the US Embassy won the longest drive- amazingly because we thought that Rod had out driven everyone and Simon also thought he had won it until he was told he was referring to the wrong hole when he had said he driven almost 300 metres . Then it was discovered that one of our group had won the closest to the pin so at least this was one prize for our group – You can imagine then the shock when after adjustments for handicaps and presumably too many beers , Garry won the prize for the lowest gross score . Imagine what he would have done if we had to sleep before 6 am at the last Hogs Breath Masters
Then it came down to the last prize for the lowest net score and unbelievably Simon picked up this prize again for Team Heron with a net adjusted score of 71 .We could not believe so out came another bottle of cane cutters cordial which Michael polished off . After a little bit of food to absorb the alcohol it was then onto the bus for the trip home – this time we did not have Ann to keep us entertained so had to make our own fun and then it started . Simon started to ring up everyone to tell about his new trophy and to make sure they would be around later when he came to parade it. Bluey immediately passed out in shock of completing his first Hogs Breath Masters and would be making sure that the boys from Hong Kong would be at the next event which has been now set for the 21st May 2005 .Michael also collapsed in relief that it had actually gone quite smoothly and from too much cane cutters cordial and the rest of the lads quietly polished of the remaining beer and Bloody Mary’s . Simon had sorted out his agenda for the night and then he promptly passed out as well. We all then realized that the next Master’s would be planned a bit further in advance to make sure we places for all those who wanted to play as 144 people means an earlier start
