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The Introduction
After much organization , or should we say disorganization, the Hogs Breath
Fall Classic Golf Tournament which is destined to become a biannual event in
the storybooks of Thailand got underway again in Bangkok on the November 7th,
2003.
Whilst the monks had chosen the date for this auspicious day depending upon
the value of the contributions and the prelude to Loy Krathong Festival that
marks the end of the rainy season, they must have got something right as
there were so many others events clashing on or about the same date meaning
that there was to be a few possible cancellations - this proved to be the
case. However not even the signing of the pending historical agreement
between the Thai and Lao Governments for the supply of power to Thailand or
the long weekend for Loy Krathong and the resulting traffic jam, could
dissuade our erstwhile golfers from participating in what is turning out to
be a pretty unique golfing day.
So
our band of golfers, hackers and 1 Weed-Wacker set forth to the Bangkok Golf
Club set in the wilds of Muang Thong Thani and Chang Wattana to see who was
going to be the king of our local watering hole and fight for the various
prizes on offer from the amazing list of Sponsors which included Larry’s
Dive Bar & Grill in Soi 22, Bus Stop Beer Bar and Restaurant, Anne’s Bare
and Thrill Bar in Soi Zero a.k.a. Sidetrack, the Brunswick Bar in Soi 4,
Temptations bar and Hogs Breath Saloon both in Nana Plaza, the Outback
Restaurant, , the ITO JV on the New Bangkok International Airport, The
American Embassy, Bilfinger Berger AG, the, Bourbon Street in Washington
Square, Steve’s Place in Soi Cowboy (which was being knocked down for
redevelopment as we played) Johnson’s Weed-Wackers Association and John and
Jin’s Handlebar Moustache Restaurant in Soi 3.
Several enthusiasts such as Rob and Matt cried off at last minute due to
various excuses such as having to obtain visas for China and Laos (actually
you can obtain them at the airports on arrival) or having last minute
meetings arranged at work such as Martin C and Shaun (why did the monks
choose a work day for this auspicious occasion). However their contributions
helped in the refreshment cause so there presence was not really missed.
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The caddies and Starter into the beer on the 1st
tee! |
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Anne showing good form on her way to
the scoring record. |
John Nesbit crushing his 1st drive?
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Harold hitting the opening drive -
straight into the water! Well Done!! |
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Our pair from "down-under" the
author, John Heron from the Land of Oz and John Vivian from the Land of
Sheep and Hakka
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The Location
This year’s “Masters” was to be held at the venue for the Volvo Asian PGA
Masters competition in four weeks time at the Bangkok Golf Club. Our leader had circulated a map on how to find the venue and
certainly proved to be as tricky to find the place as it was to play the
course, especially out of the rough. Due to the initial Hogs Balls Up over
the buses, we ended up with only two mini buses instead of a tourists bus
without the Caesars so this meant that many of us had to find our own way
out to the course - try telling a hyped taxi driver that you want to go out
of Bangkok at 7.30 stop for a Caesars in the morning instead of into Bangkok
and this really blows his mind! This was to prove the case as some of us
almost ended up in Future Park on the way to Ayuthaya before we got back on
track – we really do like the Caesars Harold - bring it back all is forgiven
and why do taxi drivers think that golf courses are amusement parks. Some of
the lads were waiting at the bar before they started off for the Caesars so
instead of the minibuses leaving at 8.30 they got away at 9 so the day
immediately was up and running half hour behind programme.
Eventually
we all found the venue and all was well until we found out that our group
was to be the last to tee off – this meant a further hour wait as the mini
buses’ late arrival had meant the schedule was further out before we even
started The first law of motion in the Hogs Breath Masters was to watch Anne
teeing off so we adjourned to the bar on the first hole to survey the course
and the local talent and wait for the late arrivals and see Anne’s
first shot - which did not
disappoint a single soul.
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Milo - The Chief Weed-Wacker |
Wayne demonstrating his well balanced swing |
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The Rules
As
everyone arrived they were greeted by several smiling mini skirted golf club
hostesses and our Leader who proceeded to give us our goodies – this
consisted of a soft cotton T shirt with the emblem “the Honourable Golf
Society of Hogs Breath Masters “, the Competitors Guide to competing in the
Hogs Breath Golf Fall Classic, a blow by blow description on how the course
should be played, an entrance ticket, several coupons presumably for the
refreshments and a caddies ticket – no cart.
Our smiling mini skirted hostesses then proceeded to explain the rules to us
- the format was to be stroke play and scoring was to follow the Modified
Peoria System – what in the hell is a Modified Peoria System we asked - easy
said our lovely hostesses – the maximum score per hole is to be a
double par and any ball hit into the rough maybe treated as an embedded ball
and dealt with accordingly – that is it may be lifted , cleaned and placed
no nearer the hole - she made it very clear however that the ball could not
be moved . We did not quite understand these rules at the time and it led to
intense discussion as the round progressed especially amongst our group – we
later understood the significance as the golfing got underway as not only
did the balls become embedded in the rough but actually it was very easy to
lose them as they just disappeared – the rough was very thick and almost
impenetrable.
To
make it easier for those of us who had never played the course before we had
also been given a running description of the course on a hole by hole basis
- there seemed to suggest many doglegs and much water. We were also advised
that there would be some further coupons at the 9th hole and some
food for those who needed energy replenishment – as it was hot this was
surely going to be well appreciated.
Having got the rules out of the way we then adjourned to the bar on the
first hole and waited for our turn to tee off and watch Anne’s first shot -
which did not disappoint a single soul.
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Steve "The Doctor" on the 1st
Tee |
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Gary punching it down the 1st
fairway |
Tom - he flew in from the
Philippines to become a Hogs Breath Master
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Jim the most laid back golfer ever
seen |
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Pat & Tim teeing off
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The Round
As
our troops were still in various stages of disorganization, several of our
Team decided to buy some new golfing shoes – this was taking it a bit
seriously I thought but then when others started buying golfing shoes I
decided to investigate as well but when I saw the price I thought my
sneakers are good enough and opted for some balls instead and two golf carts
to keep all the refreshments for the round.
Our little mascot was in the bar on the first hole - a small poodle dog with
its owner, a cute little Thai girl and this set us immediately in the right
frame of mind as we watched Anne lead the Tee off – our troops had all
arrived now and we were on our third beer and all the coupons had gone! So
we sent the caddies back to the clubhouse to buy some more coupons as you
could only buy drinks with coupons, not cash - funny rule we thought - the
caddies were to make many trips back to the club house during the course of
the day.
It
was our turn to Tee off and away we went – Simon got off to a good start as
there were many people backed up behind us and we knew he would have a good
day when he barely made the ladies tee with his first drive – however with
his second drive it carried him over the water and just with a short iron
onto the green, he was back on track.
We
all safely negotiated the first hole and were glad that we had brought the
carts as it was hot and a long course. The caddies were back with the
refreshments as well as some for them selves so they were into it early –
first hole and each of the caddies had downed a beer already as they had
been waiting over an hour in the sun for the round to begin.
Harold’s guide said that the second hole was a deceptive par 3 but this
proved not to be the case and we all safely negotiated the second hole. It
was obvious that this was going to be a very competitive day. Steve was
having trouble coming to terms with the fact that you could relocate out of
the rough and some discussion started to take place – actually he was
feeling the heat a bit so we told him to have another beer and get on with
it - this he did and then produced one of the drives of the day on the third
hole which doglegged in both directions – the third hole was safely
negotiated, the beer was flowing and then we came to the fourth hole. Simon
immediately put his drive out of bounds and we then knew we were up with a
challenge on this hole as the caddies were not of much use at this stage as
one beer in this heat had the desired effect and communication became a bit
difficult.
We
safely negotiated the fourth hole and then it was in the next kiosk for our
first lubrication and a feed – we were astounded to actually find food as
well and also to find that it was already midday and we had only played four
holes. As we teed off for the fifth hole suddenly Milo shouted to us had we
seen his ball – the leader of the Weed-Wackers Association had supposedly
driven his ball into the jungle just near our tee box - this was a further
delay whilst we all looked for his ball – one of our group suddenly dropped
a ball, trod on it and whamo there was Milo’s ball – off he went happy as a
lark – we later found out that he actually had not lost his ball but was
looking for the bushes for some light relief and we cramped his style.
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On
the fifth hole Harold told us to listen to the advise of our caddie but this
is easier said than done when your caddie does not speak any English and is
not around having gone back to the clubhouse for more beer and to change the
golf cart as it was out of beans – we safely negotiated the fifth hole with
an assortment of shots , breezed through the next 4 holes to find ourselves
meeting the marshals for the first time in the bar on the nine hole – we had
just sent the caddies back for ten more books of coupons and the marshals
then gave us 4 more and told us we could have a quick buffet lunch . This
consisted of green curry gai with an egg – it sure was a quick lunch and off
we went as by this stage it was after 2 and we had only done 9 holes -
Another group had snuck in before us when we stopped for the buffet lunch
but this did not really slow us down as they were playing much faster than
us.
Meanwhile Doctor Steve was finding it a bit difficult negotiating the course
and was very glad we had brought along the cart – why we asked him as he was
almost the youngest amongst us – easy he told us – it was so hot out there
and he was sweating so much that it was causing problems for his recent
operation to prevent any further fatherhood – he said it was all black and
blue and the 9 stitches were not helping either as he had the operation the
day before - suddenly he showed us the results of the operation and several
of the caddies fainted with shock - we all thought Doctor Steve would be out
of action for quite a while!
Once we passed the first 9 holes we were now into the longest golf
tournament that Hogs Breath had ever had and Steve’s plight set a slightly
different tone for the next 9 holes – Rod’s caddie then said that we had
consumed 30 cans of beer already and she was very happy as the resultant
scrap value for the cans will pay for her motor bike taxi home for the next
one month.
The
par 3 11th hole was to be the hole for closet to the pin -
unbelievably we all landed on the green and Rod’s shot was a beauty as it
landed only one meter from the pin - you could not believe his shock when he
missed the putt and ended up with a par instead of a birdie – this set the
tone for all of us as well as we all missed our putts but it still put us in
the hunt for the prize of closest to the pin.
This golf course has floodlight for night play and on the 15th
hole Simon decided to have a bet with Doctor Steve that he could hit one of
the floodlights which was on a part of the dog leg of the course on his
drive off the tee – the bet was whether or not Steve would be in action
later on in the night. Now this light mast is 100 meters down the track
right on the edge of a pretty severe dogleg and the Doctor could have
reasonably assumed that he would be safe and no one could hit the pole from
the drive – how wrong he was! Simon hit a beautiful drive and ping, back it
came over our heads and into the drink behind us- none of us could believe
it and if this anything to go by, the ITO JV will definitely be able to
perform miracles when the Government says they have to open on the September
29th, 2005 - we immediately thought how is the Doctor going to
handle this one.
On
the next hole Simon then informed us he would hit the bridge with his drive
four times - we looked at him as if he was crazy and sure enough 4 drives in
a row he hit the bridge and then went out of bounds – we are not sure
whether this was in the rules or not but it sure made for a lot of fun. On
his fifth shot he did not make the ladies tee so it was starting to even up
the competition a bit.
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From top to bottom Michael, Paul and
Simon |
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Simon, John and Rod with one of
their caddies
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We
safely negotiated the final two holes with Harold’s expert help as he had
finished his round and had come back to speed us up so that he could work
out the scores and see who had won the prizes - we adjourned to the
clubhouse, no coupons were left and it was almost 5 pm – 7 hours for the
round and the marshals told us that everyone had a very relaxing day of golf
behind us
Into the clubhouse for a quick shower and the Doctor told us that there was
no way he would be able to comply with the bet he had lost with Simon – it
was still black and blue and he again showed us to prove his point - Doctor
Drivers Black Tool - Simon had other ideas!
We
adjourned to the restaurant for a quick beer to find the minibuses had all
gone back already – we had been first on the course and were last to leave
so we compared scores and found that we had all done very well – Simon’s
score of 84 would put him well in the hunt and Rod’s score or 89 would also
be in the running after taking into account the adjusted handicaps – The
Doctor and I were also in the low 100’s which meant we had a chance for
prizes as well – the waitresses were greatly interested in our scores as
well so we knew we had a chance when they gave us there numbers to
call them when we knew who had one – actually we thought we were going to
have the prize winning ceremony in the clubhouse but actually something must
have gone wrong as were told this was going to occur actually in the Hogs
Breath itself so we all piled into Simons car and off we went to fight the
Bangkok traffic .
Now you would have thought that having this event on the Friday was a great
idea as not so many people were playing golf – wrong as we forgot about all
the traffic - however two miss turns proved to a blessing disguise as
it led to shortcuts so we turned up just behind the minibuses and did not
miss any of the free beer which was left – we had already in our group
consumed 46 cans but I was informed later that the caddies had actually
consumed 8 of these themselves so we assumed they got the scores right on
the card.
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John Vivian blasting out of one of
his bunkers that he chose to visit during his round!
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From left Englebert, Nong & Ed -
Englebert & Ed served ably as the un-official starters, bartenders, official
event photographers, gallery, cooks and bottle-washers, Nong had the dubious
distinction of being Harold's caddy |
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v
After The Round
Once back in the Hogs Breath we found out why we had to go back there for
the prizes instead of holding it in the clubhouse – one of the minibuses was
supposed to go back to John and Jin’s restaurant to pick up the donated food
– after finding the restaurant the minibus driver inexplicably left with out
the food! Not knowing where the golf course was because Harold had not
told Jin, as the minibus operator was the only one who knew, she then
delivered the food to the closest place she knew of - Hogs Breath Saloon, so
we had to reassemble a bit earlier than we had anticipated
The prize for the first to the course was won by Doctor Steve and his prize
was a dinner for two to be used that day from Outback together with a
partner chosen by Hogs Breath, the cashier! The cashier was our secret
weapon to tell us whether Steve would stick to his bet or not.
As
many prizes had been donated and some of the Sponsors also had to change
venues, we immediately got into it. The Outback Restaurant in
Siam Square had
donated some free dinners in their steakhouse – many of us were eying these
off as they were good value. The prizes for longest drive this time once
again went to our ringer Robert Hatch – who drove 310 metres on the par 4
16th hole after the drive was deflected and helped on its way by a tree; and
was rewarded with a free dinner from the Outback.
After thinking we had a chance with the closest to the pin on the 11th hole
we were amazed to find out that this was won by John Nesbit who landed it
only 18 inches away - John won a free bar fine and a dinner for two at
Outback
The
prize for the highest gross score was won by Anne who shot a 138 who just
sneaking past John Vivian’s 135 and, Pat’s 134 for the honour – she must
have a bad day because on the previous Hogs Breath Masters she shot a 49 on
the back nine! She won the wooden spoon but it looked a bit like a wooden
wine holder, Harold tells us this was his prize at the last American
Embassy’ Golf day and she also won a steak dinner - all the steak dinners
were going fast! However John managed to slip by her with the highest net
score and free lessons with Doug Hood’s
Golf
School at the
Dusit Thani Hotel
Suddenly the ringer Robert protested that his prize of the Outback dinner
could not be used as there was an expiry date on it of the August 1st
2003 – either Harold had told them the wrong date for the Hogs Breath
Masters or he had won this prize himself at the American Ambassadors Golf
Day July 1st, 2003 - only Harold could answer that one
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John accepting his prize for closest to the pin on the 14th - a free bar
fine from Sidetrack in Soi 0
Jin - the official food supplier to The Honourable Golf Society of Hogs
Breath Masters
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Robert receiving one of his many
prizes - this one donated by Larry's Dive in Soi 22
Englebert, Mrs. Englebert and Gary
enjoying the awards ceremony |
Then it was revealed that ALL the dinners had August expiry dates on them
that were well in advance of our golfing day so we donated all the remaining
tickets to the caddies as they stood a better chance of using them than we
did
Now we were coming to the big prizes of the night donated by Temptations,
Hogs Breath Saloon, the Sidetrack Bar, the Brunswick Bar, Larry’s Dive, Bus
Stop and Bourbon Street.
We
were eagerly waiting for this because with the handicap adjustments, we
thought our Team would finish well in front of the other groups. The prize
for the lowest net score was won by Paul Fry with a net score of 75 – he won
more bar fines, a trophy which looked a bit more secure than the first time
trophies and more steak dinners - the prize for the 1st runner-up
adjusted net score (whatever that means) was won again by the ringer Robert
who together with John Nesbit was walking away with everything.
The prize for the lowest gross score was won by Simon – we could not believe
it - two trophies in a row for our group and then we were shocked to find
that our group also won the prize for the overall team lowest gross net
score – Harold’s team was disqualified because of one no show and the
Weed-Wackers also were disqualified because they lost several balls on the
course and stopped for too many massages and other ringers were used - what
a day!
After a few more beers to discuss the day’s fun and see who could best use
all the prizes, some of the lads took off to show off their trophies to the
local populace. This time Simon arranged for the bar manager Dom’s
ex-girlfriend to take care of his trophy so that he would not lose it again
and they disappeared into Angel Witch for further celebrations as with all
the Sponsors from the ITO, there was just insufficient room in Hogs Breath
to cater for everyone.
John Vivian claimed that he had never been to Hogs Breath in his life before
and was shocked to find out that his German managers were regulars and
therefore he will start to come regularly especially now that the Kiwis look
going all the way in the Rugby World Cup.
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Simon has invited us all to the Dubliner to help share the other trophy he
has won this week – guessing the right score in the Australian /Ireland
Rugby match and also the New Zealand /South Africa matches – 100 pints of
Kilkenny beer, we suggested that he should donate this to the next Hogs
Breath Masters which is tentatively penciled in next for Monday May 3rd
2004 – seems a long way off but so did this one when Harold started planning
it.
Doctor Steve and the black driver’s tool were last seen in the Huntsman and
the cashier assures us that everything is working fine so both the Doctor
and Simon won in the end. Milo and his Weed-Wackers had a difference of
opinion with Dave the Dutchman who turned up on his way to Laos and felt a
bit out of it because he was not invited – actually no one knew he was
coming because he wanted to surprise his girlfriend. Shaun and Jimmy made it
in the end and then the party started and we last left them standing in
Angel Witch at midnight when it was time for a subway sandwich.
Simon made it to the Dubliner to check out his trophy and his beer and he is
still there as we write this report.
Bob spent all day in the bar fixing up everything for all the food when the
food train arrive unexpectedly in his bar at lunchtime - Ken and On
helped to lay it all out and yesterday were still eating all the leftovers
when we reconvened for the recovery party . Kiwi and Dennis did not do
the Hakka as they did not turn up but they have assured us that they will be
there for the next event.
The golfing T shirts are becoming collectors items and were yesterday
changing hands for over 1000 Baht as Bob has run out of the normal Hogs
Breath T-shirts.
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Milo with Doctor Steve
John and Simon
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v
Epilogue
It
has been unanimously agreed that the format of the Hogs Breath Masters will
continue and all Sponsors especially the ITO JV, Sidetrack , the US Embassy,
Bilfinger Berger, NTEC, Hogs Breath, Bus Stop, Brunswick, Outback, Larry’s
Dive, Charlis Place, Bourbon Street, Mandy’s Golden Hair Palace , DTC
Travel, Harry’s Bar ,Lilane’s and Doug Hood’s Golf School will all help to
Sponsor the next event.
This will be held on or around the 3rd May 2003 so please pencil
in this date and advise of early participation as numbers will this time be
limited due to the seating availability on the buses . A trip with an
overnight stop is also planned at possibly Kanchanaburi, Korat and Udon
Thani where Harry’s bar, the Napoli Hotel and Steve’s Bar have agreed to
help organize the event.
Do
not forget that Harold organizes regular weekly golfing trips around
Bangkok and
Thailand and this week he heads off to Kanchanaburi. Harold can be found most
days in the Hogs Breath bar or email him at
Harold@hogsbreathgolf.com
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Some of the
Hogs Breath Masters who participated in the November 2003 Fall Classic
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The Honourable
Golf Society of Hogs Breath Masters - Home Page
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